​A parent’s guide to transgender children

By Faye Seidler

fayeseidler@gmail.com

With the increased visibility of transgender identities and issues, we are also seeing an increase in parents able to identify that their child may be transgender. Parenting is already a taxing, full-time job, and realizing that a child might be transgender can be a scary, heavy burden.

Most parents just want to give their child a happy life, and in this situation the best thing to do is to take a deep breath, and then do some research.

Most people believe transgender individuals are extremely rare and that 80% of transgender-identified kids eventually grow out of being trans. In truth, though, recent estimates place being trans as only slightly rarer than natural redheads and the 80% statistic is a complete myth.

A blogger called gendermom has a great video debunking this myth and explaining that the studies it was based on were not long-term studies and did not make the distinction between boys who were feminine and those who said they were actually girls.

The thing is that kids do role play, they do crossdress, and it doesn’t have to mean anything, but consistent cross-gender behavior is a good sign to start looking deeper and determine if there is more to it.

When a child persistently communicates that they are actually a girl instead of a boy, or vice versa, that’s when you really want to talk to a specialist, and luckily, NDSU’s Family Therapy Center is a great place to start!

This kind of communication can start as early as three years of age, because that is when our gender identity (our internal sense of being a boy or a girl) develops. It can take some time for a child to process that there is a difference, and that accounts for why people start transitioning at all ages.

But puberty tends to be the moment when the brain starts to really panic, because suddenly the wrong hormones are sending the body in a direction the brain doesn’t want it to go. Regardless of anything else, a parent should trust their instincts and talk to a medical professional when concerns arise.

But let’s say your child is transgender. Either you suspect it, have just discovered it, or have known for a long time. Regardless of how we intellectually understand and deal with that information, there is going to be an emotional reaction. It can be a feeling of betrayal, a feeling of loss, it can be anger, sadness, disbelief, denial or confusion.

I want everyone reading this to understand that any of those feelings, and many more, are common, that it isn’t anyone’s fault, and that it is okay to have those feelings. It is a lot to process, but one of the best things a person can do is talk to other people in similar situations and with similar experiences.

There is a local Facebook group called Parents of LGBTQ Kids Fargo-Moorhead, which is a great resource for connecting with other parents. Additionally, there are a ton of resources and support groups that can be found online, specifically PFLAG. Likewise, there are many trans mentors and role models in this area that can either help a parent understand the condition better or who can be a person for a trans youth to reach out to.

For some parents, it can be very hard to accept that their child is trans, but accepting them puts a child's mental health and happiness ahead of everything else.

Bias against trans people, be it religious, political, or cultural, is not an easy thing to move past and I know most parents have good hearts and try to do what is best for their children. They may turn to conversion therapy as a cure, but be aware that it is considered a harmful, ineffective pseudoscience, that is banned in five states.

For a parent who does embrace their child’s gender identity, it is important to keep in mind that there are no medical sex change procedures available for minors.

Prior to puberty, trans youth undergo a social transition, where they change their name and appearance, and during puberty there are hormone-blocking medications that can be taken until they are sure they are ready to start hormone replacement therapy.

While this information may seem like a lot, trans children are the same as any other child; loving, accepting, and supporting them will go a long way. We live in a much different era than even ten years ago, and I have great faith that any trans youth can grow up to be happy and accepted for who they are.

For more comprehensive resources, advice, and support on trans youth, visit TransYouth Family Ally’s website at www.imatyfa.org.

[ Faye Seidler is the North Dakota Safe Zone Project Spokeswoman]