​Blind In High Definition

by John David Berdahl

Hey! I'm John David Berdahl. I'm a writer, artist and musician here in Fargo-Moorhead. I've been described by some as, "A really nice guy. A really, really nice guy. He's the nicest guy you'd ever meet. Patient, smart, kind, conscientious and very talented!" And I'm thankful and appreciative for that description.

Me in a little more detail? I'm an Aspie, or I have Asperger's Syndrome, which can be defined as, "an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) considered to be on the ‘high functioning’ end of the spectrum. Affected children and adults have difficulty with social interactions and exhibit a restricted range of interests and/or repetitive behaviors. Motor development may be delayed, leading to clumsiness or uncoordinated motor movements.

Compared with those affected by other forms of ASD, however, those with Asperger syndrome do not have significant delays or difficulties in language or cognitive development. Some even demonstrate precocious vocabulary – often in a highly specialized field of interest." via autismspeaks.org

That is a rather clinical kind of definition of being an Aspie. It is a helpful one for sure; but it lacks a great deal of accessibility and fun. Of course, not every neuro-atypical classification is a rip-roaring good time. But being an Aspie is so much more than someone who is just repeating an action or behavior, misinterpreting the world around them and collecting a whole mess or myriad of large, large words or tidbits for one's lexicon.

Being an Aspie is quite amazing and indescribably enchanting sometimes. Why? Well, Aspies seem to have very connective minds. I know I do. Moreover, I appear to have an innate ability to see how one item or subject relates or corresponds to another, and make the connection to understand or fathom just what the union of those two subjects will yield.

In addition to a vastly connective or associative mind, I also have the eidetic memory that seems to correspond with being on the spectrum. Sometimes referred to as “thinking in pictures,” this kind of recall is very clear, very complete and very, very vivid. The trouble is, I could have a rather rough go of distilling what I remember and then conversing about it with others if I'm not careful. The “pictures” are sometimes too large to condense into descriptive or readily understood words and phrases.

Yes, it can be really, really tough for Aspies to let others know what they are seeing and experiencing, or what their suppositions are exactly; and in that way, Aspies might appear to be incredibly absent-minded, aloof or distant, but they are not stupid or egregiously ignorant. They just have a hefty and dense volume of data to sift through and impart!

Being an Aspie, sometimes, is a lot like being a tourist in a country that is foreign to you during one of its many marvelous holidays. You may not know the customs. You may get lost a whole heck of a lot and be unable to communicate ideas or desires as clearly or efficiently as you would like to residents, because you have not had enough time to learn the language. The festivities might involve items that seem too bright or too noisy to allow you to concentrate -- but there is so much to wonder, ponder and discover during the extravagant and pulse-pounding celebration in this remarkable place that you're visiting.

I am in "church" with you. It is your church, and I have not been shown how to properly follow its rituals. But just because I do not bow my head when you bow, sing when you sing or sit when you sit, that does not mean I do not believe or value fellowship any less than you do. I am an Aspie. I have faith- and I believe we can truly connect!

Establishing an identity

As fortune would have it, I went to college and received my Bachelor of the Arts degree in drawing. One of the first things I learned to illustrate was myself. In no time at all at I was capable of rendering my own face with pinpoint accuracy (the nose was the toughest part). In doing this, I was provided an opportunity to educate myself. I learned how to present myself to others. Thanks to really great and perceptive instructors and professors, I became very good at composing myself!

Thing is, I still didn't see “me”. As an Aspie, or an individual with Asperger's Syndrome, I did not have a rock solid, tangible or firm grasp on who I was. I had no identity to speak of. More specifically, I was really adept at mirroring, or taking on the attributes of those around me to engender a sense of closeness and belonging. To me, I was the “thing” that "that thing" could draw well and then behave just like you. It’s odd, I realize now, but I was so very good at approximating myself and others.

Since that time, I've visited with support groups, counselors, mental health care professionals and friends and family in an attempt to meet and greet "myself.” I have learned that people who are on the spectrum, or neurodivergent like me, display characteristics or traits such as: a distinct difficulty interpreting social cues and norms, a pronounced desire to repeat behaviors or actions, a rather large, tremendous, gargantuan -- dare I say brobdingnagian -- vocabulary, an interest in words, numbers, facts and phrases, a singular desire to accomplish a certain task or goal, mirroring others, and an unnerving inability to sense internal emotions, or self- or alexithymia.

I've gotten pretty close to knowing "me" every once and awhile. I've found out that, before my diagnosis, I had been regarded as a people pleaser, a perfectionist, a doormat, a punching bag and a quirky introvert. Following my Asperger's discovery, I stopped mirroring and started just being - with a newfound comfort in telling people, "no" in the right way. Individuals I'd never met before, who I had worked with, who had got to know me as well as anyone could, labeled me an extrovert. An extrovert! It was one of those moments that left me utterly surprised when I first heard it said. Me? I’m an extrovert?

Me and my mindblindness

Up until now, I had found it very difficult to convey to others just what it is like to be confused by social cues or displays of emotion and affection while residing on the autism spectrum. Some people find it hard to believe or sanction that others have little to no innate skill at reading or comprehending what individuals are trying to convey via their facial expressions, vocal tones, body language, postures, gestures and proximity to others. I assure you, it’s real.

But what is it like? As I related before, it hasn’t been until now that I could really describe the “perspective” in a word or phrase that others could understand or visualize. How do I describe it then? "It’s like being blind in high definition." Pondering the difference between "standard definition" and "high definition" can inform a person considerably when it comes to what it means being a neuro-typical and a neuro-atypical.

Being an Aspie or an "atypical", like others before me and around me, allows me to neurocognitively perceive and become aware of so much more than others, or "typicals", very quickly. My eyes and ears are constantly bombarded with sensory input and details because my brain has an alternate manner of collecting and filtering information. It’s like I am watching the world in high definition, as opposed to the standard definition of the neuro-typical.

The upside of being atypical? I can experience positive aspects of our existence very accurately and intensely. Colors are more saturated. Sounds are more cutting or stirring. Objects seem more coarse or more smooth. And the food is marvelous.

The downside? I sometimes cannot understand the plot of the "program" or "movie" that's playing on the high definition "TV" because there is just so much to see and hear. And by that I mean, I could have a confusing or difficult time attaching a cause to an effect due to sensory overload. And then, when I'm overloaded, I could lose track of whether I am one of the "performers" or part of the "audience". This inability to "interpret, predict, and participate in social behavior and communication” Simon Baron-Cohen) while being bumfuzzled or flummoxed watching the “show” is sometimes called mindblindness.

I have learned that I must look for cues or anchors in those possible moments of confusion and curiosity, (i.e. asking "What are they saying? What are they doing? What am I doing? Have I seen this before?" and so on), establishing what the cues or actions may mean and then engaging or interacting with them as best as I can. That process or investigation can take quite a while, but I have become surprising and startlingly proficient at it.

Now, all of us are at different, varied and perhaps peculiar positions in our lives and minds. No two of us are identical and none of us are “better” than anyone else. Some of us are just better at some tasks than others.

Concerning the autism spectrum, it’s considered a "spectrum" for a reason. No one autistic child or adult, no Aspie, is exactly the same as another. In short, I have heard it declared that, when you’ve met one Aspie, you’ve met one Aspie, and now you’ve met me. Other Aspies might not exhibit the same level of comprehension, eloquence and attention as I do when you meet them, but do attempt to pay them the respect, credence and concern that you afford other individuals. Trust me- they will thank you for it.

Coping and seeking support

All of us, typical or not, find different ways to cope with incoming input and develop different patterns of behavior that aid us to sooth and unwind. Concerning curbing a certain behavior or changing one’s reaction to a stimulus, doctors or professionals aren't the only one answer or solution for everyone. Medication isn't the one answer for everyone. Facilities aren't the one answer for everyone. There is no one answer for everyone, but there are people and places who are trying to help if someone needs it!

If you know somebody, especially a child who's having a hard time focusing, concentrating, showing initiative or comprehending the reason for the words that people say or the things that others decide to do, it may be good idea to have that boy or girl, that man or woman, speak with a friend, counselor or doctor who's had some experience, or a practice that deals specifically with the autism spectrum.

If you do find yourself stuck without answers to autism-related questions, or are eager to discuss this sort of topic with professionals, you could contact the North Dakota Autism Center, The Village Family Services, Prairie St. John’s Hospital, The Autism Support Group, Red River Valley Asperger-Autism Network, Family Voices of North Dakota, or North Dakota Children’s Health Services Autism Resource for illumination, treatment options, advocacy, encouragement and guidance.

Seeking answers saved my life and made me more capable of connecting the dots in a more common way and of communicating my ideas in words and actions more conventionally and successfully. I am now working, teaching, serving and volunteering at supportive and nurturing establishments and groups such as various roles at Plains Art Museum and its “Autism + Art Program” series, HeartSprings Community Healing Center, the Fargo-Moorhead Visual Artists, the Ann Arbor Art Center - and potentially the North Dakota Autism Center and the Dakota Boys and Girls Ranch.

And to all the selfless, generous and knowledgeable people who have helped me assist others by striving to remake and reshape me with their time and their efforts and expertise, I am thoroughly indebted, beholden and grateful. Thank you so much to so very many!