​Gender Identity and Pronoun Etiquette

By Faye Seidler

fayeseidler@gmail.com

The question I get asked the most when providing training about trans issues is how to use the correct pronouns and what to do if you get it wrong. The first thing to understand about this is that it is okay to make mistakes, it really is, because everyone makes them. I’m a trans mentor and cultural competency trainer and I still misgender people by accident.

In some sense, what to do is the easy part, but the real key is understanding why pronouns are important and why this matters. So, first we need to look at the concept of gender dissonance, which is the confusion and discomfort that comes from the brain expecting one thing (being male) and the endocrine system developing the body differently (developing female).

What your brain expects is what we call gender identity. This is an immutable feature and everyone has a gender identity, and, more importantly, everyone would feel gender dissonance if they were forced to live as a different gender. A famous case proving this is that of David Reimer, a non-trans person who had a botched circumcision and was then raised as female. As he grew up, he displayed the exact narrative trans kids often display, because he knew his body was wrong.

Now, let’s take a step back, and I want everyone reading to think about their sense of balance. I’d venture to say most of you weren’t thinking about it prior to reading this, because you were in balance and your sense of balance was the furthest thing from your mind.

You can only really feel your sense of balance when you’re off balance, and when that happens you feel alarmed and scared or even motion sick. Gender identity is the same, when it is in balance you can’t feel it, you don’t think about it. When it is off balance, like it is with trans people, it creates the same feelings of alarm.

Transition is the process of bringing the body back into balance with the brain. That could mean a name change, hormones, even surgery, but each person is unique in their needs and in what gives them balance. That’s why every transition is its own journey.

This is the importance of pronouns, because to misgender someone is to unbalance them. I can share that it feels like a blow to the gut when it happens, and it isn’t just physical or emotional pain, it is existential pain. It triggers all the fears a trans person ever had that they’ll never be accepted, that they’re crazy, that they could never be happy.

This doesn’t just happen occasionally either, to trans people. In fact, 45% of trans people reported being referred to by the wrong pronoun, repeatedly and on purpose, at work; and states like North Dakota don’t have any protections if this happens. However, by contrast, New York City has fines of up to $250,000 for businesses for constant and deliberate misgendering.

That’s what’s at stake -- that’s why this is important. However, given all of that, remember that it is okay to make mistakes. Many trans individuals understand, especially during the beginning of their transition, that mistakes happen. If someone has gone by “he” all their life, switching to “she” takes time.

The best thing to do is catch mistakes immediately. If you misgender someone, quickly apologize, correct the pronoun and move on. Making a big deal about it puts them on the spot and makes them feel uncomfortable. Trying to ignore it, and pretending it didn’t happen, makes them think that it doesn’t matter and that’s how they are seen. Alternatively, the correction is always validating. Hearing the right pronoun always feels good, because it reaffirms our center.

If you don’t know someone’s pronouns, the best way to find out is by introducing yourself and your prefered pronouns. I’d say, “I’m Faye, and I go by ‘she’ and ‘her.’” This gives people an option to share or not without pressure. It signals that you know about and respect pronouns, while letting the person being addressed retain their agency.

If you’re past introductions, it is better to ask than guess, but practice using the gender-neutral “they” until you know. Then finally, avoid trying to use only their proper name. It becomes obvious when someone is avoiding gendered words altogether.

There’s a lot to take in, so just keep in mind that it’s okay to tell someone that this is new to you and that you’re trying. We respond to that effort, because it is a sign of respect. Just remember it’s okay to make mistakes and this stuff can become second nature with practice.