​Let’s talk: dating someone who is transgender

In the last few years, dating sites like OkCupid and Tinder have included the ability to identify as transgender, presumably to better represent the reality that we live in a gender-expansive world.

These days it is self-evident that there are more relationship types than straight, white, heterosexual couples composed of masculine men who seek feminine women, and that our preferences for partners can be multifaceted and varied. So, let’s take a second to examine some concepts that will help people navigate the dating world and themselves!

A good place to start is with sexual attractions and romantic attractions. A sexual attraction to someone is the desire to have sex with them and engage in activities towards that end. A romantic attraction is the desire to cuddle with someone, hold their hands, hug them, spend the night with them, and things of that nature. A sexual attraction tends to be an attraction towards someone’s body, while a romantic attraction is primarily towards their mind.

All relationships are composed of varying levels of sexual and romantic attraction, and not always in equal measure. There are many long-term relationships, for example, where sexual attractions wane while romantic attractions rise. There are also relationships based on purely sexual attraction with no romantic substance. There are no wrong relationships, as long as they are founded on clear communication and consent between partners, since we all have different needs at different times in our lives.

The problem for trans individuals is that people will often write them off the list as a general rule, for example, saying “I like women, but not trans women.” There are fears from straight men that they’ll be perceived as gay, and fears from lesbians that they’ll be seen as straight. There is also the fear of the social stigma and shame society puts on people who date trans individuals.

Pushing past that, there is still a possibility that if a person is into women, that a transgender woman could make them happier than they ever imagined. People that are into men, and enjoy being protected by a strong embrace, might find a trans man can give them that life. There are a lot of reasons not to be with someone, but closing the door at the label of trans means losing a whole swath of real relationship opportunities.

On the flip-side is the term “chaser,” which is a person who exclusively goes after trans partners as a fetish. On its own, having a preference is fine. A person can have a preference for masculine trans men, with short black hair, who like sports. The preference means that they typically like that kind of person and when meeting someone like that they may try to pursue a relationship with them. That relationship can evolve as they talk together and find out if they relate on things. They find out if they both want children, how they vote politically, where they see themselves in five years, and what kind of humor they have. Preferences start a relationship, but from there you learn about the person and naturally grow closer to them or further from them.

A fetish is where those preferences are the only thing needed from the relationship. That is to say a person with a fetish for masculine trans men finds that kind of a person and that’s it. Nothing else about that person matters to the chaser. There are people with a preference for trans individuals who worry they may be chasers, but the main difference is that a preference starts a complex relationship, while a fetish is the entire relationship. Any group can be the target of a fetish, but social stigma especially invites this for trans people.

So, those are some basics concepts to play around with. When it comes to the actual dating scene the are a few things to know. It isn’t incumbent on the trans person to immediately disclose their transgender status. We choose whom to let in when we feel safe to do so. Usually that means after making some connection, but long before any sexual encounter. Though, I would advise any trans person out there to disclose their status prior to a sexual encounter for their own safety.

Keep in mind that a person’s life before transitioning is a sensitive topic. Asking about their old name or seeing old pictures can be painful and dysphoric for them. And finally, just never end a compliment with “for a trans person.” But really, at the end of the day, trans people are just people; varied and complex. When you see someone dating a trans person, that isn’t a scandal, it’s not really a big deal, it’s just two people trying to connect and find a bit of love and happiness in each other.

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[Editor’s note: Faye Seidler is the North Dakota Safe Zone Project Spokeswoman]