Tracker Pixel for Entry

​Marriage: sometimes merry and sometimes not

by HPR Contributor | .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) | Live and Learn | May 23rd, 2018

Marriage - photograph by Hisu Lee

By Melissa Martin
melissamartincounselor@live.com

And they lived “happily ever after.” Many people in the U.S. believe in love and matrimony, but marriage takes consistent effort and time to weather the ups and downs.

According to a 2013 Pew Research Center survey, 88 percent of Americans cited love as the main reason to marry with making a lifelong commitment and companionship, respectively.

What are top issues that may cause conflict in marriages?

Communication. Marriage doesn’t come with a manual. Communication is about how you talk about the problem and how the problem is solved. And that means discussing issues without screaming, name-calling, blaming/shaming, walking off in a huff without returning to solve the problem, bringing up past hurts, refusing to compromise, and attacking each other’s character.

Expectations. We have an idea on what we think marriage should look like, and when it’s different than what we expected—fireworks! Or we try to change how our partner thinks, feels, and acts.

Money. Individuals are either savers, spenders, or somewhere in-between. And opposite viewpoints can spark conflict. Debt can be detrimental on a marriage. What happens when one partner is a credit card junkie or gambler? What happens when one partner is tighter than bark on a tree or fanatically frugal? Major fireworks!

Discipline of children. People come into marriage with different methods of how to discipline children; usually it’s how we were raised. What if one parent wants to spank and the other is adamantly against spanking? Add a blended family and tension may ensue over boundaries and rules.

Sex. Who wants more? Who wants less? And how do couples solve this issue? Females usually want more nonsexual affection (i.e., conversation, romance, holding hands, hugging, cuddling) and males usually want more sex. A 2015 survey from the Pew Research Center cited 61 percent of married people reported a satisfying sexual relationship is important.

Household chores. Who does what? Who doesn’t help with dishes, laundry and cleaning? More than half of married U.S. adults say sharing household chores is important for a successful marriage, according to the 2015 study.

Problem with in-laws. Is mother-in-law nosy? Is father-in-law overbearing? Families are a mixture of relationships. Add rude relatives on both sides and hurt feelings can cause ruptures. “I can talk bad about my family, but you cannot talk bad about my family.”

“Underneath all the distress, partners are asking each other: Can I count on you? Are you there for me? Will you respond to me when I need, when I call? Do I matter to you? Am I valued and accepted by you? Do you need me, rely on me?” Dr. Sue Johnson is the founder of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy. www.iceeft.com/.

The following are two of my favorite books for couples:

"Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married" (2010) by Gary Chapman, bestselling author and marriage counselor.

"The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts" by Gary Chapman (2015 Reprint).

Marriage counseling, also known as couples counseling, relationship counseling, or couples therapy, is an option for marriages without merry. Counseling includes: helping partners learn how to communicate and listen to each other; understand and manage human emotions; repair ruptures and initiate forgiveness; implement problem-solving skills and decision-making methods. And how to address issues that cause conflict.

What is one way to keep the merry in marriage?

“I think one reason for a successful marriage is laughter. I think laughter gets you through the rough moments in a marriage.” –Bob Newhart

[Editor’s note: Melissa Martin, Ph.D, is an author, columnist, educator, and therapist.]

Recently in:

Growing Together Opens New GardenBy Annie Prafckehttps://www.facebook.com/annie.prafcke20 May 2021On April 15th, Growing Together held a groundbreaking for the opening of its newest gardens at Gethsemane Cathedral. The space, which…

Culture

The Lehr Tabernacle

by Sabrina Hornung

By Michael M. Millermichael.miller@ndsu.edu17 June 2021The Lehr Tabernacle near Lehr, N.D., celebrates its 100th Centennial with events on June 18-20, 2021. The Tabernacle, also known as Prairie Bible Camp, was featured in an…

Best Bets

2021 Summer Calendar

by Sabrina Hornung

2021 Summer Calendar Toby KeithMay 21, 7pmBismarck Event Center, 315 SOUTH 5TH STREET BISMARCKTickets $25-$175, pre-party starts at 5pm.Heart and Soul May 22, 9pmThe Aquarium, 226 N BroadwayR & B, Smooth Jazz, Funk, Neo-Soul and…

By Sabrina Hornungsabrina@hpr1.comPhoto by Sabrina Hornung20 May 2021Our Opinion: Don’t be afraid to ask for directions.This is the time of year when most editors offer up their best advice to the most recent graduating classes,…

by Ed Raymondfargogadfly@gmail.com17 June 2021 Why Cooks Are Yelling “Flip Your Own Damn Burgers!”A June 3 headline in The Wall Street Journal caught my eye because it raved: “U.S. Economy’s Rebound is Without Historical…

To say that this year’s Bartenders Battle was the best display of talent in the six years since its creation would be an understatement and a disservice to not only the bartenders who made it into the competition, but also the…

Reviving Rural Grocery Stores in North DakotaBy Annie PrafckeFargo, ND – On October 7th, Gov. Doug Burgum awarded Milnor Market and the Forman grocery store project Main Street Awards, as part of an initiative led by the Office…

by John Showalter john.d.showalter@gmail.comThe COVID-19 pandemic took a huge toll on the live music industry. Not only concerts but full-blown…

by Greg Carlsongregcarlson1@gmail.com17 June 2021Edgar Wright -- the subject of his own cult of fandom -- knows a thing or two about obsessive devotion to odds and ends of pop culture. And with “The Sparks Brothers,” the…

by Kris Gruberperriex1@gmail.com17 June 2021Along with lemonade and hotdogs, words and images marking the pavement are synonymous with summer. The accessibility of sidewalk art is appealing, but there is something to be said for…

Theatre

Digital Dragathon

by HPR Staff

By Kris Gruberperriex1@gmail.comDrag shows, for me, feel like a celebration of artistry, esthetic, music, and camaraderie. With a dash of confetti thrown in.The local drag community is a close-knit family. Giving back to affiliated…

by Kris Gruberperriex1@gmail.comAdam Quesnell's last show at The Cellar beneath the Front Street Taproom in Fargo was in early September of 2018. He was embarking on a seminal move from Minneapolis to LA. As always, his comedy was…

By Kris Gruberperriex1@gmail.comSpring is here (mostly), and our area is buzzing with people eager to get back out and about -- many newly vaccinated and feeling a bit safer. Partnering with Jade Events, Fargo Brewing is just…

Wellness

Discover Yoga Differently

by HPR Contributor

by Laurie J Bakeremsdatter@gmail.com Part of modern yoga is participating in the world around us. We live in a time of upheaval in society and nature, and of great suffering in humans of all ages. Most of us perceive this suffering…

By Sabrina Hornungsabrina@hpr1.com17 June 2021The Astronaut Scholarship Foundation (ASF) will be providing 60 college students from 44 colleges across America with up to almost $900,000. The 2021 Class of Astronaut Scholars will be…

by Annie Prafckesubmit@hpr1.com17 June 2021On June 19th, from 12pm to 7pm, nonprofit Faith4Hope Scholarship Fund is hosting their first ever Juneteenth Freedom Celebration at Lindenwood Park in Fargo. It is free and open to the…