Tracker Pixel for Entry

Staging Area

Live and Learn | November 5th, 2014

My daughter was once bitten so hard by a playmate that a forensic lab could have matched the bite mark to dental records in order to identify the puny perpetrator. While this pretty much undermines the daycare’s policy of keeping the offending child’s identity confidential, the fact that kids of this age bite is not all that surprising. Between the ages of about two and five, children often bite one another for a variety of reasons including expressing emotion and language. Biting is also an extremely effective tactic for getting another child to drop a toy you want.

That might sound mean, and indeed you might be tempted to punish the offending child, but in reality kids of this age don’t really have the necessary cognitive maturity to be mean. They just haven’t reached that stage of development yet. Psychologists distinguish between hostile aggression, those acts that are designed to hurt someone, and instrumental aggression where the child uses aggression in an egocentric way as a means to an end. The two-year-old simply doesn’t have a mental concept of what other people want; they only know what they want and in the case of biting -- not to mention throwing a tantrum at the check-out lane at the Target -- how to get it. It isn’t until about age five or six that kids reach the stage where they understand that other people too have desires, thoughts, wishes, and intentions, and that these might conflict with their own.

Parents are used to the idea of stages, and we use it for better or for worse to explain and excuse a variety of our kids’ behaviors. From tantruming two-year-old to back-talking teens, we tell ourselves “It’s just a stage.” Many child development theories also use the idea of stages. Some have left our lexicon with a variety of well-worn phrases to describe stages in development, including Freud’s “anal” personality and Erikson’s “identity crisis.” Jean Piaget was the original arm-chair psychologist whose theory of child development relied on observations of his own three kids. After describing a stage in his oldest child, he went on to make predictions and devise tests of his theory with the second and third.

Theory-testing aside, there are other advantages of noting the stages of child development. For one thing, it’s nice to have a heads-up when your kids are about to experience tough times, from precocious puberty to the first day of college. As parents, it’s natural to try to apply what we have learned from one child to the next. With one now in college, my husband and I have come to learn a lot about how to prepare our youngest for this next stage of development. Our oldest even took us to task for failing to provide him with important childhood experiences that he realized in retrospect were valuable after all. He even created a list of complaints against our inadequate parenting: failed to force me take up a musical instrument; did not insist that I do more community volunteering; denied me the opportunity to experience more character-building failures (it turns out that these are all necessary components of a college application essay). He taped the list to his bedroom door, Martin Luther style, and when the complaints reach 95 we are compelled to lead a child-rearing reformation.

If child rearing involves learning from the mistakes you make with your first child, then we can surely use the list to do better with our next child. Like many parents, I hope to do better with the second one as her success represents our retirement “backup” plan. That's why they call it child rearing: “child-backing-up” just doesn't sound right. It’s more like a traffic sign you see outside the teen driving school. What I’ve learned about the stages of child development might not be enough to propose a grand new theory, but it helps me to get through the day-to-day struggles of raising kids. After all, I knew enough not to get angry with the little boy who bit my daughter. And when she was sent home the next day for biting the other kids I just sighed and reassured my husband, “Don't worry, she’s just going through a stage.”

[Editor’s note: Dr. Nawrot is Professor of Psychology and Director of the Child Development Lab at MSUM. She earned a Masters degree and a Ph.D. from the University of California Berkeley, and has been working on her M.r.s. and M.o.M. degrees for nearly 20 years.] 

Recently in:

By Winona LaDukewinona@winonaladuke.comIt’s been eight years since the Water Protectors were cleared off the banks of the Cannonball and Missouri Rivers. It was a bitter ending to a battle to protect the water; and for most of us…

By HPR Staff We’re all a part of building strong, healthy and inclusive communities. But the region’s non-profit organizations do a lot of the heavy lifting. Now it’s time for these organizations to step into the spotlight.…

Friday March 7, 8 p.m.The Aquarium, 226 N. Broadway, FargoDJs and drummer teams compete head to head and have the opportunity to compete for the national championships in November. DJs are judged on performance and creativity.…

By Sabrina Hornungsabrina@hpr1.com 2025 marks us halfway through the roaring 2020s. Boy, am I glad I didn’t bob my hair for this go-around. It feels like we’re off to the wrong roar, opening Pandora’s box of what-the-Fox…

By Ed Raymondfargogadfly@gmail.comLennon: “Imagine no possessions, I wonder if you can!”On January 8, 2025, Timothy W. Rybeck of “The Atlantic" magazine published “How Hitler Dismantled a Democracy in 53 Days” with the…

By Rick Gionrickgion@gmail.com Holiday wine shopping shouldn’t have to be complicated. But unfortunately it can cause unneeded anxiety due to an overabundance of choices. Don’t fret my friends, we once again have you covered…

By Rick Gionrickgion@gmail.com As a food enthusiast, there’s nothing better than attending a local event featuring hotdish. And as far as hotdish events go, no place does it better than the fine folks at Brewhalla and Drekker…

Mooncats and Pert Near Sandstone play Empire TheatreBy Sabrina Hornungsabrina@hpr1.comThe MoonCats describe themselves as “Americonscious Campfire Folk.” They have a clear acoustic folk sound with a sense of whimsy — think…

By Greg Carlsongregcarlson1@gmail.com Of the sixteen features I saw during the 2025 Sundance Film Festival, none left as big an impression as filmmaker/artist Kahlil Joseph’s astonishing “BLKNWS: Terms & Conditions.”…

By John Showalterjohn.d.showalter@gmail.com Everyone has heard the adage, “a picture is worth a thousand words.” However, it is safe to say there are far more than a thousand in Mickey Smith’s photographs. When one hears…

By John Showalterjohn.d.showalter@gmail.comHigh Plains Reader had the opportunity to interview two mysterious new game show hosts named Milt and Bradley Barker about an upcoming event they will be putting on at Brewhalla. What…

By Annie Prafckeannieprafcke@gmail.com AUSTIN, Texas – As a Chinese-American, connecting to my culture through food is essential, and no dish brings me back to my mother’s kitchen quite like hotdish. Yes, you heard me right –…

By Sabrina Hornungsabrina@hpr1.comNew Jamestown Brewery Serves up Local FlavorThere’s something delicious brewing out here on the prairie and it just so happens to be the newest brewery west of the Red River and east of the…

By Josette Ciceronunapologeticallyanxiousme@gmail.com What does it mean to truly live in a community —or should I say, among community? It’s a question I have been wrestling with since I moved to Fargo-Moorhead in February 2022.…

By Faye Seidlerfayeseidler@gmail.com On Dec 5, the Turning Point USA chapter at North Dakota State University hosted an event called BisonFest. This event featured Chloe Cole, a former trans kid, known for detransitioning and…

By Gilbert Kuipersgilbertkuipers@outlook.com I live in North Dakota District 24 and have been challenging the district Republicans about their understanding of climate science for years. There has been no serious response to my…