Tracker Pixel for Entry

Staging Area

Live and Learn | November 5th, 2014

My daughter was once bitten so hard by a playmate that a forensic lab could have matched the bite mark to dental records in order to identify the puny perpetrator. While this pretty much undermines the daycare’s policy of keeping the offending child’s identity confidential, the fact that kids of this age bite is not all that surprising. Between the ages of about two and five, children often bite one another for a variety of reasons including expressing emotion and language. Biting is also an extremely effective tactic for getting another child to drop a toy you want.

That might sound mean, and indeed you might be tempted to punish the offending child, but in reality kids of this age don’t really have the necessary cognitive maturity to be mean. They just haven’t reached that stage of development yet. Psychologists distinguish between hostile aggression, those acts that are designed to hurt someone, and instrumental aggression where the child uses aggression in an egocentric way as a means to an end. The two-year-old simply doesn’t have a mental concept of what other people want; they only know what they want and in the case of biting -- not to mention throwing a tantrum at the check-out lane at the Target -- how to get it. It isn’t until about age five or six that kids reach the stage where they understand that other people too have desires, thoughts, wishes, and intentions, and that these might conflict with their own.

Parents are used to the idea of stages, and we use it for better or for worse to explain and excuse a variety of our kids’ behaviors. From tantruming two-year-old to back-talking teens, we tell ourselves “It’s just a stage.” Many child development theories also use the idea of stages. Some have left our lexicon with a variety of well-worn phrases to describe stages in development, including Freud’s “anal” personality and Erikson’s “identity crisis.” Jean Piaget was the original arm-chair psychologist whose theory of child development relied on observations of his own three kids. After describing a stage in his oldest child, he went on to make predictions and devise tests of his theory with the second and third.

Theory-testing aside, there are other advantages of noting the stages of child development. For one thing, it’s nice to have a heads-up when your kids are about to experience tough times, from precocious puberty to the first day of college. As parents, it’s natural to try to apply what we have learned from one child to the next. With one now in college, my husband and I have come to learn a lot about how to prepare our youngest for this next stage of development. Our oldest even took us to task for failing to provide him with important childhood experiences that he realized in retrospect were valuable after all. He even created a list of complaints against our inadequate parenting: failed to force me take up a musical instrument; did not insist that I do more community volunteering; denied me the opportunity to experience more character-building failures (it turns out that these are all necessary components of a college application essay). He taped the list to his bedroom door, Martin Luther style, and when the complaints reach 95 we are compelled to lead a child-rearing reformation.

If child rearing involves learning from the mistakes you make with your first child, then we can surely use the list to do better with our next child. Like many parents, I hope to do better with the second one as her success represents our retirement “backup” plan. That's why they call it child rearing: “child-backing-up” just doesn't sound right. It’s more like a traffic sign you see outside the teen driving school. What I’ve learned about the stages of child development might not be enough to propose a grand new theory, but it helps me to get through the day-to-day struggles of raising kids. After all, I knew enough not to get angry with the little boy who bit my daughter. And when she was sent home the next day for biting the other kids I just sighed and reassured my husband, “Don't worry, she’s just going through a stage.”

[Editor’s note: Dr. Nawrot is Professor of Psychology and Director of the Child Development Lab at MSUM. She earned a Masters degree and a Ph.D. from the University of California Berkeley, and has been working on her M.r.s. and M.o.M. degrees for nearly 20 years.] 

Recently in:

By Alicia Underlee Nelsonalicia@hpr1.comNorth Dakota communities will join a “nationwide day of defiance” against authoritarianism and President Donald Trump’s policies on Saturday, June 14. A range of "No Kings" events…

Back-to-school season is on the horizon, but there's still plenty of summer left. Check out our favorite August attractions and events in North Dakota and western Minnesota. And if if you missed them, here are a few excellent May…

June 21, 11 a.m. - 11 p.m.Fargo Theatre, 314 Broadway N., Fargo“We Watch Shudder,” Fargo’s favorite horror podcasters, bring on the darkness during the longest day of the year. The Darkest Day of Horror Film Festival features…

Fighting the good fightBy Sabrina Hornungsabrina@hpr1.com Over two thousand rallies took place nationwide June 14 as part of the “No Kings" protest. Ten of those protests were held in North Dakota, with thousands in attendance.…

By Ed Raymondfargogadfly@gmail.comA syndrome is defined as a group of signs and symptoms that collectively indicate or characterize a disease, psychological disorder, or other abnormal condition and any complex of symptoms of an…

By Rick Gionrickgion@gmail.com Holiday wine shopping shouldn’t have to be complicated. But unfortunately it can cause unneeded anxiety due to an overabundance of choices. Don’t fret my friends, we once again have you covered…

By Rick Gionrickgion@gmail.com The weather warmed up quickly here in the upper Midwest this spring, sparking prime eating season. This means burger battles, food trucks and lake-season food travel. The 2025 Downtown Fargo Burger…

By Alicia Underlee Nelsonalicia@hpr1.comThe Moorhead Public Library will offer three free, all-ages outdoor concerts featuring regional bands this summer. The series begins on June 12 with the Meat Rabbits, a group that blends…

By Greg Carlsongregcarlson1@gmail.com As we continue to deal with the ongoing horrorshow of racism, misogyny and transphobia embraced by the current administration, films like “Sally” can serve as an important reminder that…

By Deb Wallworkdwallwork@icloud.comI first met Catherine Mulligan at a party at her house. It was a small gathering, spontaneous, just a few people over for dinner. Directed toward a stack of plates and bowls and a big pot warming…

North Dakota play about mental health launches Midwest tour in AugustBy Alicia Underlee Nelsonalicia@hpr1.com A new one-act play inspired by patients buried in the Old Cemetery at the Jamestown State Hospital will tour festivals in…

By Annie Prafckeannieprafcke@gmail.com AUSTIN, Texas – As a Chinese-American, connecting to my culture through food is essential, and no dish brings me back to my mother’s kitchen quite like hotdish. Yes, you heard me right –…

By Sabrina Hornungsabrina@hpr1.comNew Jamestown Brewery Serves up Local FlavorThere’s something delicious brewing out here on the prairie and it just so happens to be the newest brewery west of the Red River and east of the…

The drug that keeps re-purposing itselfBy Ellie Liveranieli.liverani.ra@gmail.com There is a drug that is getting a lot of attention nowadays all over the world. It has various commercial names (Ozempic, Wegovy and Rybelsus), but…

By Alicia Underlee NelsonProtests against President Trump’s policies and the cuts made by Elon Musk’s Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) are planned across North Dakota and western Minnesota Friday, April 4 and…

By Vern Thompsonvern.thompson@rocketmail.com Working in the Bakken oil fields of the Williston Basin is so different from my home in Fargo. I'm not judging, because the people working and living in western North Dakota are very…