by HPR Contributor | .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) | Live and Learn | April 11th, 2018
By Melissa Martin
melissamartincounselor@live.com
“I’m sorry” are two vital words to be used in relationships because human beings are imperfect people living in imperfect environments.
Ask yourself the following questions: Am I an under-apologiser or an over-apologiser? Am I a balanced-apologiser? Do you refuse to apologize when you’re absolutely in the wrong? It’s been my experience that many individuals answer these questions with “It depends on the person I am with at the time.” Are you a selective-apologiser?
In other words, spouses and partners caught in a relationship cycle of conflict may withhold apologies out of anger, revenge, fear of paybacks, or to save face. If there is a smarty pants person (i.e., sibling, friend, coworker) in your circle who blasts you with “I told you so” after you apologize—that can be an obstacle to your response. And no person is right about everything all the time.
Guy Winch, author of a 2013 article in Psychology Today, writes “Apologies can vary greatly in their significance: When non-apologists bump into someone in a crowd, they might mumble a quick "I’m sorry" without giving it another thought. But the same person arguing with their spouse about directions might yell, “I’m telling you: The GPS is wrong! Take this left!” only to find out the satellite system was correct — and still adamantly refuse to apologize, perhaps calling on excuses such as, “You take the wrong exit all the time, too!” or “The GPS is wrong half the time anyway. It’s not my fault!”
Harriet Lerner is the author of the book, "Why Won't You Apologize?" (2017 reprint edition, Touchstone Publisher). For decades, she has studied why some men and women won’t give apologies.
An apology shows remorse and acknowledges the hurt you caused another person. Ask yourself the following questions: Do I perceive apologizing as a weakness? Does apologizing mean I made a mistake or I am a mistake? Why won’t I take responsibility and apologize when I hurt someone’s feelings, tell a lie, or behave like a jerk?
In cultures that have been studied, men apologize less than women. Are you apology-challenged because you’re male? Men need to learn to say the two crucial words “I’m sorry.” Saying “my bad” doesn’t count. Claiming you are apology-impaired because of your masculinity is an excuse.
Being able to apologize is actually considered a strength and not a weakness. Apologies have the power to validate feelings and generate forgiveness. Our words can hurt or heal. Communicating a sincere apology can repair a relationship rupture. Individuals with confidence at their core can apologize and move forward.
“An apology is the super glue of life. It can repair just about anything,” declares Lynn Johnston.
Ask yourself the following questions: Why do I hold onto grudges? Why does my tongue get tied up over saying the two important words? Do I value relationship more than my ego? Why do I need to change and offer genuine apologies when I’m wrong?
The next part of the apology is asking the offended person, “What can I do to make it right?” Making amends is about restoring trust in relationships. And saying, “I will do my best to not do it again” shows future action.
Lakesha Ruise asserts, “Apologize quickly when you wrong someone, because I'm sorry has no value in the grave.”
[Editor’s note: Melissa Martin, Ph.D, is an author, columnist, educator, and therapist. She resides in southern Ohio.] www.melissamartinchildrensauthor.com]
November 14th 2018
June 20th 2018
May 23rd 2018
July 6th 2016
December 10th 2015
FARGO – The city is requesting help from the public to produce one million sandbags in preparation for the 2019 Spring Flood. There remains a 10 percent chance waters will rise up to 40.3 feet, higher than the flood of 2009. Two…
By Gabrielle Herschgabbyhersch@gmail.com“North Dakota (and Minnesota) nice” is an attitude, a stereotype, and a way of life that has permeated our region, as well as perceptions of the Midwest, since as long as people have been…
Friday, March 22, 6-8 p.m.Red Raven Espresso Parlor, 916 Main Ave, FargoDigital photos from North Dakota’s backroads. Hornung has been exploring the roads less traveled for close to a decade. Carefully documenting and collecting…
“North Dakota Nice,” is a phrase that I see getting tossed around more and more these days. Many are sincere and others display yet another facet of our disposition that’s not nearly as desirable. Yes, we’re professin’…
The Battle Between Extreme Capitalism And Democratic SocialismAfter Vice-President Mike Pence representing racial and extreme capitalism ended his scathing rant about democratic socialism at the Conservative Political Action…
The eighth week of this year’s HPR Cocktail Showdown was another tripleheader for our panel of judges. On this particular week, we found ourselves focused on a trio of downtown dining and entertainment establishments to visit…
In rural Minnesota, outside of Park Rapids, Amy Thielen was attempting to light her wood-fired oven. It is in her brand-new kitchen that she hopes to teach cooking classes out of, which is a far cry from what it was when she and…
The Fargo-Moorhead Symphony Orchestra has had its fair share of guest performances headlining its concerts over the years. They all have impressive resumes, their fair share of awards, and worldwide recognition. However, bringing…
FARGO – Most people know the Trail of Tears that followed the Indian Removal Act of 1830. The U.S. government – under the direction of President Andrew Jackson – forcibly removed tens of thousands of Natives from their…
Hidden away in the tiny North Dakota town of Lefor I find Karen Valley, an author and an artist. She is without a doubt the artist’s artist. Her soul is art, talent and words. Meeting her is a true experience in finding a soul so…
To many people unfamiliar with the wide range of the musical genre, the word ‘opera’ conjures up stereotypical images of people in period costumes and large women in Viking garb singing in foreign languages. The truth, however,…
Stand-up comedy is traditionally a one-way exchange. Outside of the odd question addressed to a random audience member, the limit of the spectators’ contribution to the conversation is their laughter at the comedy stylings being…
By Gabrielle Herschgabbyhersch@gmail.comThink & Drink is coming to Fargo! Organized by Humanities North Dakota, Think & Drink is a happy hour series that hosts a facilitated public conversation about big issues and ideas. Lead by a…
I’m a big man, I’m tall and powerful, but this also causes some issues in the body department. I suffer from acute scoliosis in my lower back, and pain radiates from this area on a daily basis. I have only ever had one massage…
by HPR Contributor
by Devin Joubertdevinlillianjoubert@gmail.comIt’s that beautiful time of the year that’s filled with seasonal decorations, sparkly lights, warm family gatherings, and delicious feasts. I love everything about this time of the…
I’ve got a problem. I need to write a column that is going to be kind of critical of three people I like, and I’m trying to figure out how to do it without making them all angry at me. Their names are Sara, Doug and Marvin.…