I’m sure by the time this gets published and read by viewers like you, it’ll be sunny, calm and disgustingly hot. It’s F-town for God’s sakes.
But as of right now, many of us are having the violent chills because it feels like mid-January.
So here you have it: 20 reasons why we (cough) love cold, sleet and snow, even in April:
1.Because warm weather and green grass makes people happy, but aren’t genuinely positive people absolutely the worst?
2.Because we really, really, really, really, really, really like fighting Mother F-ing Nature. We have this weird complex. Probably about how we’re inherently superior to the people on the coasts or something like that. Something about dirty water, flood insurance, brown (or yellow) snow and bags of sand gets everybody jazzed.
3.Because the iPhone 5 4G LTE QRS TUV probably has a natural sunlight app we can just download for free.
4.Hey fellas, at least you still have a pretty good excuse for an unimpressive display if someone pantses you at the quad.
5.Tan lines, yuck.
6.Because now we have to wait longer to go fishing and camping. Who needs fresh walleye, crappies and sunfish when we can just go to the Asian market to buy halibut and frozen crabs? And have you ever mixed Sriracha into your can of tuna? Yum.
7.Because goose bumps are the new fashion trend. Plus, they are free and it’s good to be a penny pincher every now and then. Live and learn – then get lumps.
8.Quit complaining you’re cold. Drink some coffee and lay your bum on the furnace, ya ole poop.
9.Because it gives us an excuse to eat more comfort foods, like beef, butter, bacon, Bush’s Baked Beans, BBQs, bologna and pork butt. And hot pockets.
10.Who needs the lakes, when we can just sit around a card table and play daytime dominos and morning mahjong?
11.Because less warm weather means fewer pictures on Facebook of people you did not want to see in a swimsuit.
12.At least we have something to talk about with people we’d rather not talk to.
13.Because it gives us an excuse not to shave our legs, our faces or, um, our cats.
14.Because life is always better when spring-cleaning is not involved.
15.It’s cold out, but it could be worse. You could have ants in your pants. Or the West Nile.
16.Because on our daily runs, nothing beats watching Kathy Lee and Hoda get drunk on the “Today’s Show.”
17.Because the more girls can wear their Uggs, the faster they can go out of fashion.
18.Now we have a few extra weeks to “teepee” snowbird’s residences.
19.Because we don’t give a damn about your golf game anyhow.
20.At least we now know Al Gore and his crackpot global warming ideas were commie pinko homosexual left-wing propaganda, unlike this proudly conservative newspaper.
April 17th 2019
April 10th 2019
April 3rd 2019
March 27th 2019
March 21st 2019
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