​Merry Holidays and Happy Everything

By Sabrina Hornung 

sabrina@hpr1.com

Our opinion: Finding peace on Earth in the midst of the war on Christmas

As the holiday season accelerates into full swing, the war on Christmas continues as jovial salutations such as “happy holidays” are uttered within earshot and the word “Christmas” itself is abbreviated to “Xmas.” That’s right folks, someone had the audacity to take the Christ out of Christmas and replace it with such a deplorable and questionable consonant such as the letter “X.”

But the real shot heard round the world this season as the War on Christmas commences, was the lighting or rather torching of the Fox News Christmas tree.

Meanwhile in Gävle Sweden, the torching of the 40 foot straw Jul goat has become a Christmas arson tradition since the late 60s and not once did they cry “hate crime,” at least to our knowledge. No one on our staff speaks Swedish so there could have been a mistranslation.

Reports may indicate there were surprisingly no shots fired at all with regard to the tragic tale of the “Foxmas” tree. The “shots” were merely the sound of the Christmas bulbs exploding from the intense heat of the fire, either that or the sound of a thousand shot glasses hitting the table as Americans are exhausted by the 24-hour news cycle.

We must also note that our editorial staff was hesitant about the use of the word “shot.” We know how sensitive anti-vaxers can get and we don’t want them to be forced to read anything they don’t agree with; otherwise we’ll be equated to Nazi Germany and everyone will continue to be confused and offended, plus we’d hate to be called faux news. Though we felt the term “boom” didn’t have quite as nice a ring to it.

According to an internal memo obtained by the Washington Post, Suzanne Scott, Fox News Media CEO commended the company’s security team and local authorities for their valiant efforts in preventing any casualties from this “deliberate and brazen act of cowardice.” The memo went on to say, “We are in the process of rebuilding and installing as a message that there can be peace, light and joy even during a dark moment like this.”

In regional news, lawmakers are using the holidays to their advantage this season; and no, it doesn’t have anything to do with time off to our knowledge. Observations indicate that the toxicity brewing in political circles is a deliberate act to resurrect the coal industry. With an order like that, the North Dakota legislature is sure to have stockings FULL of coal. Talk about a double bingo, especially as heating costs continue to rise!

Say all you want about North Dakota politicians, North Dakotans are resourceful people. As long as the poor and working class aren’t benefiting we can rest assured that the “haves” boots and pockets will be well-lined this winter. Right, Doug?

Bless ‘em.

If we’re lucky maybe we can reverse child labor laws – I think there’s a pill for that. I mean now more than ever these kids need to learn to pull themselves up by their bootie straps, and what better time to do it than during Christmas. After all, nobody wants to work anymore and this seems like the only logical solution. We don’t exactly know why but we’re pretty sure it has nothing to do with boomers edging toward retirement, anything to do with COVID deaths, or general shifts in population. That’s just silly.

I suppose now would be the time to wish for peace on earth and good will toward men. Then again we don’t want to sound like a bunch of commies and even dare think about the betterment of humanity, but screw it, we’ll do it anyway. In saying peach on earth, good will toward me, we don’t want to exclude anyone and should correct ourselves by wishing good will toward men, women and our nonbinary comrades.

Merry holidays and happy everything from our screens to yours!