Tracker Pixel for Entry

Our last communal misery

Last Word | February 27th, 2019

Pinning the nose on Old Man Winter - photograph by C.S. Hagen

By Zach Nerpel
zachnerpel@gmail.com

The very air seeks to betray us. Temperatures this season have fallen well into the negative teens and twenties and the oxygen on which we rely has become fatal if sought outdoors. To simply exist has become painful. 

Falling snow blurs our vision at night only to amass and blind us in the morning when it reflects our good friend, the sun, into our sleepy, innocent eyes. And if not, the clouds conspire to withhold our beacon of light for days on end. Sorrow reigns supreme in the never ending havoc of emotion. 

Something very few people in our diverse country can understand is the slow and quiet onset of mass psychosis during an egregious winter. The widespread physical and mental shutdown of nearly everyone’s faculties is as sad as it is fascinating. Extroverts turn into introverts and introverts drink unholy amounts of liquor, hoping to escape the inescapable.

However, in a genuine distortion of reality, some people believe the snow and cold to be good things. School canceled, children have fun forming balls out of the snow and assaulting one another ballistically. They climb up hills formed by plows and shove each other off until there is but one triumphant king at the top. They build frozen “forts” in front of their already livable and warm homes. In a sense, they revert to their primal roots.

Adults, on the other hand, enjoy winter with startling sophistication. With foot attachments, all manner of sports become possible. One may “hit the slopes,” gliding gracefully down a mountain of snow before colliding with a tree and breaking every bone in their body. “Shredding ice,” another will lose balance. Their ice skates will go rogue and the blades will cause mayhem and devastating blood loss to several people around them. 

In spite of these extremely common side effects, there is an entire worldwide event centered around winter sports every four years. In what may be the greatest affront to humanity, countries send their best specimens to compete in the winter Olympics. Aggressively, and with a sinful amount of pride, they perform their demonic winter rituals for millions to see and a handful to judge. The winners are given an additional one hundred years of youth and the losers are sacrificed to Skadi, the Norse goddess of winter, mountains, and skiing. Also the goddess of archery, she has inspired the usage of firearms in the biathlon, an event where a thousand-mile skiing race is punctuated by the shooting of innocent animals at long distances. 

I am not actually sure the validity of any of this, but I believe it to be true.

Winter is the worst time of the year.

In any event, it isn’t important whether you hate or incorrectly love winter. 

It will cause madness and strife regardless of your feelings. In a snowstorm, for instance, you will find 13th Avenue morphed into a two-lane sandbox of strange frictions and steeping panic. “Certainly this used to be three lanes,” you will think as doubt fully realizes itself deep inside your soul. But with all visible markings obscured by slush, you are left with nothing to prove your case and are forced to join them. You see, the entropy is all-consuming. Even you, the only person who knows how to drive in the winter, have difficulty navigating the slippery gauntlet.

You arrive home and, again, there is a fresh layer of snow for you to shovel. You have thrown out your back nine times this winter and concussed yourself after slipping not once, but twice. Through several hundred pounds of special winter salt you have gone, yet the ice never relents. Your lips are permanently chapped and your student loan payments are still due. You have personified winter as a super villain and go to sleep fantasizing about fighting them. 

You have certifiably lost your mind amidst the hopeless peril which permeates every atom of your being and you’ve had enough. You go entirely off the rails.

In the end, winter is one of the last communal miseries we have. In a world full of endless comforts, riveting technologies, and extensive entertainments, winter in the Midwest will always suck. Aside from this bond it builds, it is a completely indefensible facet of our lives here. It offends and betrays every one of my sensibilities and I wish nothing but the worst for the season.

Recently in:

By Winona LaDukewinona@winonaladuke.com The business of Indian Hating is a lucrative one. It’s historically been designed to dehumanize Native people so that it’s easier to take their land. ‘Kill the Indian, save the man,”…

SHSND delves into their ornament collectionBy Jenny Yearoushistory@nd.govIn 2017 we received Christmas ornaments from the North Dakota Former Governors’ Residence. The ornaments were gifts from local chapters of the Germans from…

Saturday, December 21, 7 p.m.Drekker Brewing, 1666 1st Avenue N, FargoEmbrace the naughty and celebrate the dark side of the solstice. From 7-close, Drekker’s mavens of mischief transform their taproom. There’s a photo booth,…

By Sabrina Hornungsabrina@hpr1.com I’m really sick of the “Nobody wants to work anymore” narrative. Like, really sick. I can’t hide the eye rolls and I don’t even try to hide them anymore. In fact, I feel like they’ll…

By Ed Raymondfargogadfly@gmail.comA new type of Civil War: “smash-and grab” capitalism and healthcare The Divided States of America has the greatest economic inequality among wealthy nations on Planet Earth and has birthed a…

By Rick Gionrickgion@gmail.com Holiday wine shopping shouldn’t have to be complicated. But unfortunately it can cause unneeded anxiety due to an overabundance of choices. Don’t fret my friends, we once again have you covered…

By Rick Gionrickgion@gmail.com In this land of hotdish and ham, the knoephla soup of German-Russian heritage seems to reign supreme. In my opinion though, the French have the superior soup. With a cheesy top layer, toasted baguette…

By John Showalterjohn.d.showalter@gmail.com Local band Zero Place has been making quite a name for itself locally and regionally in the last few years. Despite getting its start during a time it seemed the whole world was coming to…

By Greg Carlsongregcarlson1@gmail.com Writer-director Nicole Riegel’s sophomore feature “Dandelion” is now playing in theaters following a world premiere at South by Southwest in March. The movie stars KiKi Layne as the…

By Sabrina Hornungsabrina@hpr1.comIn 1974, the Jamestown Arts Center started as a small space above a downtown drugstore. It has grown to host multiple classrooms, a gallery, performance studio, ceramic studio and outdoor art park.…

By John Showalterjohn.d.showalter@gmail.comHigh Plains Reader had the opportunity to interview two mysterious new game show hosts named Milt and Bradley Barker about an upcoming event they will be putting on at Brewhalla. What…

By Annie Prafckeannieprafcke@gmail.com AUSTIN, Texas – As a Chinese-American, connecting to my culture through food is essential, and no dish brings me back to my mother’s kitchen quite like hotdish. Yes, you heard me right –…

By Sabrina Hornungsabrina@hpr1.comNew Jamestown Brewery Serves up Local FlavorThere’s something delicious brewing out here on the prairie and it just so happens to be the newest brewery west of the Red River and east of the…

By Josette Ciceronunapologeticallyanxiousme@gmail.com What does it mean to truly live in a community —or should I say, among community? It’s a question I have been wrestling with since I moved to Fargo-Moorhead in February 2022.…

By Faye Seidlerfayeseidler@gmail.com On Dec 5, the Turning Point USA chapter at North Dakota State University hosted an event called BisonFest. This event featured Chloe Cole, a former trans kid, known for detransitioning and…

By Curtis W. Stofferahn, Ph.D.Curtis.stofferahn@email.und.edu In June, two events markedly contrasted the difference between two different visions of agriculture: precision agriculture and regenerative agriculture. The dedication…